“Excuse me everybody I’ve just got a quick request
I know it’s not really done but I’m going to try my best
To connect with you all on this train
I’m not begging or preaching or insane
I’ve just got a small predicament I’m sure you can empathise, relate to my pain
I was wondering and pondering if any of you delightful Friday revellers could ease a man of his dry mouth
A small sip of something to rehydrate this desperate soul before I spin and then pass out
I was at a new restaurant with some friends for a birthday
I glanced at the screen and saw the time at ten thirty
Giving me nineteen minutes to get to the platform
No cash on me and had to pay with my card
Plus we’re all going Dutch since there’s veggies and lightweights
Making division pissed plus the tip bit sorting out a bit hard
Can I go first? Contactless saves a minute
Kiss for the birthday girl only and then I bin it
12 minutes to go or ten if I power walk
But I’d made a little blunt bit bigger than I thought
But I can’t get on board with a half finished spliff
Once burnt that shit kicks off an almighty whiff
So I battered it to death whilst jogging through town
A couple pints in me the last half I’d downed
And my tongue was getting sandy, sticky and grim
Like when you take it off the roof and it’s glue and like film
And I’m judging the time between the train and the shop and the shop and the train
Mouth dryer than a rainless field in Spain
Was there any way I’d have enough time to grab the bottle, get to the desk and then pay?
If there’s a queue or there’s a rude man or I don’t have a clue where the water is I’m screwed
And an Uber back to mine would be thirty doubloons
I had a little minute or maybe even two but if I’d missed this train my wife would be fuming I’m telling you
So I sacked it off to get to the gate
But of course it’s Northern rail so there’s a slight delay
So I’ve been sitting and waiting irate and getting more agitated
Not really ashamed because here we’re all wasted
But feel the dryness now is taking over my face
My lips are cracking and there’s dust going all over the place
They say the body is 60 percent water but I’d say right now I’m on about 38
So if anyone could top that level up it’d be just great
I’d really appreciate it, be your best mate
You’re all staring at me like I’ve ruined your night
I apologise but with my mouth being this dry
Maybe you didn’t catch my story right
I tried to enunciate and project my voice
But maybe all your heard was a sticky, sandy noise
Maybe I haven’t actually said a word at all and just moaned
As the moisture drains from my skin my head’s just turned to stone
I’m petrified
My blood shot eyes are dropping down and I can’t move my sides
Never mind everyone
Thank you for your time”

“Ee arr mate sit down, have some of mine.”

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