Bobby’s Criteria

Bobby is God’s gift
God’s gift to everyone
At least that’s what he tells himself
And how could he be wrong?
Despite his drinking problem and his weightlifting obsession
And to list his other interests I’m afraid he has none
Never picked up a novel or immersed himself in arts
Never tried to learn a subject cos he just couldn’t be arsed
He’s a banker, wanker
Not that they’re synonymous
An online dancer
Keeps himself anonymous
He’s never kept a partner for more than a week or two
Needs a perfect girl and no one else will do
He’s way too picky and that’s his downfall
Always on the lookout for the slightest flaw
And all the ladies they have something wrong
Against his criteria
A list so long
Must be stunningly beautiful that goes without saying
Going for a meal, going dutch is how they’re paying
Not an inch of fat but not fading away
A mature looking lady but not going grey
A young looking girl but not immature
Well done makeup but still looks pure
Not a bore
Won’t hassle with problems or upsets
Can cheer him up but his silence will respect
Won’t get too soppy but won’t stray far
Preferably has a nice looking car
All friends are female, be good if they were fit
Parents dead so no dates to commit
Can’t be doing with that shit, who does she think he is?
But every Christmas and Easter must be spent with his
And hopefully she won’t want kids
And won’t mind getting her tubes tied so no chance of this
And won’t mind most nights Bob coming home pissed
And won’t mind if Bob keeps adding lines to the list
So Bobby spends his time on Tinder and other dating sites
Can’t figure out what he’s not doing right
Have they seen his pecs?
They should be falling at his feet
“That perfect girl is out there just waiting for me”
Bobby won’t settle, he’s God’s only gift
He’ll lie there alone on his deathbed and insist
That life was better every day spent in the gym
Than be with another not good enough for him

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