Secret Society

Wife, two kids and me
Two up two down
A classic nuclear family
The whole residence retires with a good amount of time to get a healthy night’s sleep
From ten to six the downstairs sits inanimate and undisturbed
A thirst last night dragged me to the kitchen
And what I found got me quite perturbed
A secret society of gastropod molluscs were holding their nightly meeting
That’s right, a bunch of slimy slugs were sitting where we do our eating
“Alright everyone now next on the agenda….”
Then froze when they saw my mug
Short ones, long ones, fat and slender
Assumed the biggest was the master slug
“What the hell are you doing in my kitchen?”
All feelers retract into heads
“I know what I heard”
No sign of flinching,
Each motionless playing dead
“Well I guess you won’t mind if I grab the salt”
Standing with mill in hand
A warning shake but not a jolt
“After three I’ll grind, understand?”
“One”
Could it be I misunderstood?
“Two”
Going crazy, threatening slugs
“Three”
Turn the wheel once and one speaks up
“Please don’t good sir we didn’t mean no fuss!”
Big boy speaks, I reckon he’s the king
“Your kitchen floor’s so fresh and so clean
It’s the perfect place for us to hold our meeting
We gather every night at 12:15”
“But you’re getting slime all over the tiles
And what do slugs even have to talk about?”
“We talk about the best way to deal with the wild
Plus we always wipe the trails on our way out
We talk about snail/slug politics and if they’ll ever share their shells
We warn against pellet ingestion and how to get in and out of wells
We do feeler exercises, plan entertainment
And prepare for the next school year
But mostly we’re protected from predators if we take refuge in here”
“How do you lot even get in?”
“There’s a hole underneath your kitchen sink”
“Well if my wife sees you she’s going to flip
She already hates slugs, throw talking in the mix…..”
“Your wife hates slugs? What a cold hearted bitch!
D’you think it’s easy to be born like this?”
“Don’t take it personally, it’s her not me She just hates the slime and the slithering”
“Don’t take it personally? Your words are hurting me”
King Slug’s feelers start crying and withering
“Everywhere we go we’re met with disgust
Every single person is repulsed by us
We have these meetings for love and support
And you show up and threaten us with salt
You show up and insult our way
Well we won’t put up with it, not today!!”
The slugs form one long slithering snake and slither off under the sink
A ruse I feel, a ploy, a bit to try and make me think
The slugs will never be back
I’ll consider blocking the hole but I’ll get slack
And if I tell anyone they’ll never believe it’s true
And the slugs still gather downstairs
For their nightly rendezvous IMG_5099


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