I came home from work with my wife and my son
A bouncer was barricading the door
No way to shift this big pile of bricks
And he hands me a notice of law
“Mr Whibley your name is on the lease and I believe you were born upstairs
But your wife is looking a bit Chinese
So you’d better start saying your prayers
“If you want to come in that’s fine of course
But for her here’s some hoops and a horse”
“I don’t understand, what does she doe with these?”
“She needs to complete the obstacle course”
So off goes my wife doing backflips and spins
All on the back of this steed
Lao Po that was amazing, well done!
Now they must let us in indeed!
Ta da!! There you go Mr. Security Man
Now can we please get on with our night?
He produces a letter, “I don’t think you can
We have seen that money is tight
” We know you have a job and a house and support
But could you just get a little more money
It’s just that we really fucking hate the poor
No offence, don’t mean to be funny.
“Please return after six months
When we feel your life has worth
But don’t get angry, calm down now
I really see no reason to curse
So we pitch up the tent, over the road
And must say it was rather quaint
Beautiful stripes, cheese and wine everyday
But a place to call home it ain’t
We relax and read and smoke on weed and make love under the stars
I’m lazy so I like it and speak to other campers
But for Lao Po it’s getting really hard.
She can see our front door
It’s been two years now
And still haven’t had any word
We ticked all the boxes, I even have money
So why are we yet to have heard?
“Okay, great news then please come through
We’ll allow you all in to the home
But in 24 months you’ll be up for review
So maybe start looking for a loan”
“But the other tent people moved in next door
They’ve been given five years”
“Well if you can prove that you’re one of them
We’ll consider it, but please make it clear
“Here, fill in these 200 pages
Give us every little paper you can
But if you miss one bank statement or translation you’ll be going in the back of the van”.
So I work day and night crossing every little t and dotting every lowercase j
“Yeah motherfucker! We got the tent card
It looks like we can stay!
“Thank you so much to all who supported;
Family,colleagues and friends
It’s been horrible for me but worse for Elaine
I’m not going to pretend”
Three months of peace is all we see
Then they say they’re having a vote
They say that since my wife came in
It really doesn’t feel like home
“Where are all the white people?
I literally can’t see them
It used to be like Last Summer Wine
Morris dancing and bowling greens
Can’t we just go back to that time?”
So the vote was cast and vote they did
With narrow spiteful hate
And we know one day that bouncer will return
And we’ll all get kicked to the gate.